This has been a controversial book/movie.  The premise is that all the typical things guys say like “I’m not ready for a relationship right now” or “we’re moving to fast” or “I have trouble with commitment” are all really code for “I’m just not that into you.”

I think there’s some truth to this.  I also think it’s an exaggeration, especially at my age, because I think 25 year old guy really can think he doesn’t want a relationship with anyone.   But if the point is that if he was really THAT into you he’d change his mind, I can see that.

And I can see advising women to not get hung up on guys who don’t act like we want them to act.  This is smart, no matter each party’s level of of interest.  And I certainly don’t want women to try to be with men who are not interested in them.

However.  There is a limit to the acceptability of this.  There’s a limit to the level of interest you can pretend while you make up your mind about being interested in someone.  Things like the following are things you shouldn’t say.

• “Are you going to tell your mom you met a guy?” when it’s your first alone date and you haven’t even kissed yet, if you are thinking of disappearing.
• “I guess it’s a good thing I didn’t meet your parents, then.” when the girl’s dad finds condoms in her trash and you had been talking about introducing yourself to her parents.
• “Do you want to go on vacation together this summer?”
• Any use of the word “beautiful” rather than “sexy.”

Don’t say these things if you don’t actually like the girl.  And while there’s not a time limit precisely, there gets to be a point where you need to get out if you don’t actually like her.  And it comes a long time before you’re spending all your time together and having regular sleepovers.  Two keys to this:  have you cooked dinner together and/or had a sleepover on a work night, without alcohol and where one of you had to bring work clothes to change into for the next day?  If so, you’re on thin ice.

You need to make a decision before it gets to this point.  You need to decide whether or not you like this girl.  You cannot let it get to the point of cooking together and week night sleepovers if you aren’t in.

Here’s another hint.  A famous guy said once on TV, “I don’t have a girlfriend but I know a girl who’d be upset to hear me say that.”  Real-world translation:  there is a point at which you know you’d be upset, and, more importantly, feel like you had a RIGHT to be upset, if you found out the girl you’re sleeping with was sleeping with someone else.  The point at which she feels this is likely slightly before you do.  You need to not let it get to this point without considering whether or not you actually like her.

If you find things progressing towards these points, you need to come to a decision on whether or not you’re “into” this girl.  And you need to end things if you’re not.

I even have a line for you: “you’re a sweet girl, but I really don’t see this going anywhere.”

Quick.  To the point.  Nothing to analyze.  And once things get to that point, you MUST NOT DISAPPEAR.  I realize that you probably think nice things about a girl you’ve let get to that point.  You don’t want to hurt her.  But anything ambiguous will not work.  You don’t have to say “I’m just not that into you” or anything that makes you sound mean, but you do have to make it clear that it’s not continuing because YOU DON’T WANT IT TO.  Don’t hide behind any nonsense.

This post is long, but I hope some guys read it and start to behave like decent people.

Ok, the new boy from the last post needs a nickname.  He’ll be Hill Boy because he works on the Hill.  We went on another date (drinks, late, against my better judgement.)  He came over and we started making out and he ended up sleeping over.  Second base only, to revert to high school for a second.  I NEVER DO THIS.  Literally.  I have slept in the same bed with only 3 different guys in the life.  The Ex, Off and On, and now Hill Boy.  That’s it.

In the course of the evening, he said the following:

• “Those glasses are so sexy.” (Not counting The Ex, who called me sexy every once in a blue moon, this was Time #2 anyone in my life has called me “sexy” to my face.)
• “You’re cute, you don’t need cute pajamas.”
• “I can’t stop kissing you.”
• “When we get to that point it’s going to be amazing.”
• And he called me “babe” all night with is the exact combination of cocky and adorable that I love.  Off and On said this once and I had to stop what we were doing to smile at him.

And lots of other things.  The next morning, he kept offering to drive me to the train station.  We had coffee.  He said we should get together for an actual date.  With food.  Which we haven’t ever done.  All in all, VERY positive experience for my first random sleepover with a guy.

We were both going out of town that weekend but he imed me Monday and said we should set something up.  We imed back and forth, but never set anything up.  But I never imed him — I don’t do that.  So he was iming me, just about every day.  And it was a short week, and I did tell him I was busy Thursday night.  So I didn’t think much of it.

He told me to call him when I got back from Philly for the 4th, so I texted him.  He said he had a bad weekend.  We imed Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday this week.  Along the way he said something about drama with his ex, which raised some flags for me.

Now it’s Friday.  And no ims since Wednesday.  It’s his birthday, and two weeks ago he kind of mentioned a birthday party and I kind of mentioned I was moving (which has now been pushed back.  But if he remembers this, he’s kind of abnormal.)

So now what?  Should I give up?  Is this it?

So I wrote a few weeks ago about my ongoing saga with Off and On.  We’re still off, and have been for just over 3 months now…that makes this “off” longer than the other two.  And longer than any of the three “ons.”  Unless you don’t count the second off, because it only lasted about three weeks.  But I have to count it because it’s the angriest I’ve been at him – it involved the inauguration.  To make a long story short, he bailed 3 days before inauguration, leaving me without a place to stay in the District so I had to take the metro (disaster on that day!), without anyone to go with to inauguration because all our friends with blue tickets stayed at his place and walked together, and without a ticket to an inaugural ball.  I ended up getting one, but had to crash the date of my friends Flaky Girl and Nice Guy (those two are a drama all to themselves).

Anyway.  Not the subject of this post.  The subject of this post is that last night I went on the first good date I’ve gone on since Off and On.  We got drinks last night near my apartment.  We had a nice conversation and then took a walk after we got our check.  I offered to pay half, he said no.  This isn’t a requirement.  I’ve a 21st century, independent feminist with my own job that I don’t ever intend to quit.  But you get points for paying on a first date.  Doesn’t have to go much past the first and in fact it gets awkward if it does.  And you don’t even lose points for accepting my half.  But you do gain points for not taking it.  So he walked me back to my place.  (He’s from the south and is a bit of a southern gentleman, but not so much that it’s annoying.)  He asked to come in to use the bathroom (oldest guy trick in the book, right?).  We sat and watched Olbermann.  He took my hand.  He kissed me.  After just a little bit of making out, he left.  Excellent date, right?

Except I realized after he left and I went to bed that I didn’t want to be kissing him.  It wasn’t a problem of not being attracted to him, but a problem of thinking about Off and On the whole time.  Ugh.